Home is Where the Art is
Do you want to know what makes an ideal home? Or an ideal garden? Well, today's your lucky day. Do read on...
With regard to a home, location is, of course, crucially important. If you don't like people, don't live in the city. If you don't feel at one with nature don't live in the country. If you're not at ease with eerie silences, twitching curtains and thousand-yard-stares, don't dwell in the suburbs.
You will also need to choose an appropriate size for your abode. This is easy: count the number of people who will be living there and that's the number of bedrooms you'll need. Given that two adults will normally be sharing one of the bedrooms, this leaves a spare one for dust, cobwebs, old bicycles, guests, etc. A large number of bedrooms points to self-esteem issues (see also: 4 x 4 vehicles/ designer clothing).
One kitchen is plenty (In fact, I would argue it's one too many, but that's probably just me). Two bathrooms are necessary in any home owing to the fact that one of them will be occupied by at least one female member of the household at all hours of the day and night. Contrary to popular belief, men need to clean their teeth occasionally.
With regard to interior decoration, the colour scheme is very important but don't be fooled by the names on paint charts. 'Egyptian Sunrise' means yellow, 'November Nightfall' is black (handy for your teenager's bedroom) and 'Crimplene Slacks' means beige. Remember, large mirrors don't make the room look bigger, they just make you s self-conscious about your posture and the way you chomp on a sandwich. Put some shelves up instead.
A home should always smell of baking bread, so we ought to be able to buy this in a spray-form instead of 'forest fern' or 'dingly dell glade' which are simply disorientating. You're inside, not outside.
Good, that's the ideal home sorted out. Now for the garden. Every garden needs a tree-house. Actually, the tree is optional; if it's sitting directly on the ground, just call it a den or a shed or something. The important thing is that a chap has something to build and maintain in order to provide an excuse for not visiting tiresome relatives at the weekend.
You'll also need some weeds. Many weeds actually look quite pretty but they get a bad press. Give them a chance, please. Dandelions, for example, are a lot more beautiful than primroses; less prissy, if you see what I mean. They have a romantic, wistful look about them as if they're missing their burdock or something. Primroses just look condescending. In general, with regard to flowers and plants, it's worth adhering to the old adage 'Never eat, grow or marry anything you can't spell.' This means that rhododo..rohdeden..rodeden... this means that pansies are ok. Snap dragons and sweet peas should be in everyone's garden simply because they've got great names.
Some more tips: no plastic gnomes, storks or roman/greek/egyptian pillars,no hedges sporting any other shape than that of a hedge, and no dark green/ light green stripes on the lawn (this design is only forgivable on football pitches because it helps with the offside decisions. In any other context it looks vaguely obsessive-compulsive).
Capability Brown, the only famous landscape gardener in the history of mankind (there's good reason for that), wasn't as capable as his name might suggest. He overlooked the principal function of a garden - it's for children to graze their knees in.
Similarly, a house is just a load of bricks with some stuff inside; it's people that make it a home.
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